Hoskinwood Family

Well I fell off the blog wagon again there for a while. But I'm back. And here it's been almost two months! Where do two months go anway?? I am now back in Texas, just not sure for how long. If you would've told me in 2006 that I would be storm trooping again in '08, I would've laughed. But sure enough, here I am. So far, it is better this time around, as my brother and I are handling a load of claims together. Besides the fact that misery loves company, it is a much easier load to handle when there are two of you doing the work. Jason and Maria came back to Texas for a vacation. They hadn't been back here in a year. While they were here, Hurricane Ike made landfall. I flew back from Maui to work with him. My employment had ended there and I was ready to leave the island anyway. Maui is a beautiful place and has a lot to offer if you are a serious ocean and beach lover. I do enjoy it, but probably don't enjoy it to the fullest extent that most inhabitants of Maui do. I get a little claustrophobic on such a small island, so far away. I don't like the fact that you can't really afford to visit the mainland but once a year, that I couldn't have my car there, or my dog, without some serious commitment to stay there anyway. I was in the hopes that I might be able to do some substitute teaching there also, but as you read in an older post, I was pretty frustrated and turned off by the awfully bureaucratic Hawai'i Department of Education. These things happen for a reason and that is why I now find myself here. Now don't get me wrong. I don't really pretend to know what that reason is just yet. But I'm working on having faith that there is a reason.

My life has taken all kinds of twists and turns. It puzzles me a lot of the time and I feel like a leaf blowing in the wind at times. It has certainly kept things interesting and I have done and seen a lot. When I feel like I'm spinning my wheels, I have to remind myself of this. A lot of us tend to find our identity in what we do, who we are with, where we are, etc. When I say this, I mean career, romantic relationships, money, and so forth. A lot of times, I get sucked into this thinking also and I have to constantly remind myself to not subscribe to this, because it contributes to a lot of self-doubt for me. I mean, I couldn't begin to define myself or my life experience in that manner because it is so black and white and my experiences have proved to be anything but black and white. I definitely am the embodiment of "gray area!" It just is what it is I guess and one day it will all make sense. I am fortunate to have so many options.

I would like to aim for a career that I love, that sustains me, and that allows me to live life on my terms. I would like to aim for a healthy relationship and in which I can grow. I would like to aim for some stability and security. I am on the path to all of these things, just on my own time, and in my own way. I try to learn from my experiences and mistakes, but clarity can be illusive a lot of the time because so much of your perspective is really just perception. And perception is dependent on a lot of other factors.

My current state of mind is to focus on work right now. I'm happy to have a job and to feel useful. I do not know my next move and I don't need to know right at this moment. So I guess you could say I'm definitely practicing on living in the now, living presently. If I let myself ponder the when, what, where, why's of the future, my head just starts to spin and spin until it feels like it's just going to detach and spin away. It is exhausting when you let those thoughts rule you and become a runaway train. Sometimes for me, playing out my future...well, it's like those "choose your own adventure" books that I read when I was a kid. You would read a section and then you could choose which page to turn to next. It's too many endings to choose from and really we don't know which one is going to happen anyway right?! It sort of cultivates a certain fear, for me, of the unknown, when I ponder it too much like that. And it never really turns out like you planned it or pictured it anyway right? What is that saying? "Life is what happens while you're making plans." Or my favorite, something about how God has a sense of humor. If you want to make him laugh, make plans. Something like that. It's so true!

Right now I am grateful for some time with family and friends that I do not get to see often, the nice Texas fall weather, and the oppportunity to meet and hopefully help some very nice people that are going through a very difficult time, rebuilding their lives. I have met some of the nicest people since I've been there and I suppose if I claim to "be about" anything, it is sincere human interaction and relationships, connecting.